Kids Say the Darndest Things

Two student responses today that made me laugh:

Mrs. Haslam: "How many branches of government does the U.S. have?"
Student: "Two plus that really small one."
Mrs. Haslam to student: "Two plus that really small one? Can you name them?"
Student: "You know, Republican, Democrat and that small one"
Mrs. Haslam: "Not exactly."

Mrs. Haslam: "And the Kalahari Desert stretches through Southeastern Namibia"
Student #1: "Isn't that a food, Kalahari?'
Student #2: "it's Kalamari stupid."
Mrs. Haslam: "wow."

Bathroom Lottery

7th grade boys are ridiculous for a lot of reasons, that's a give in. But today we reached a whole new level. It's fourth block and the rule in my class is that you cannot even ask to go to the bathroom until a half hour of class has passed unless it's a serious emergency. As is typical of most days in 4th block, about 1 hour in to class a boy asks to go to the bathroom. I say "sure" and immediately, it begins. Instantly 6 other boys raise their hands and ask if they can go. My answer in this kind of situation is usually yes but one at at time.

Today, for some reason, that was not the case. This is because I know that most of these boys want to go just to get out of the room, not actually go to the bathroom. How do I know this you ask? Because if they ask too early and I say no, most of the time they don't ask again. If they really had to go, they'd ask again. but I digress. Today I said "raise your hand if you have to go to the bathroom and you're a boy." 6 hands go up. I said " i am going to write your names on pieces of paper and will draw three, you three get to go and the rest of you have to hold it." As I am writing down names, one of the boys makes sure to whisper to me that he hopes he gets picked because "he has to go number two." he actually said this to me. gross.

i drew three names. three cheered. three moaned. thankfully the number two kid got picked.

Candy for Me

In my classroom there is a candy jar that sits in the corner of my file cabinet and taunts kids all day long. When I reach for it, eyes light up with joy at the possibility of what might be. Though some teaching books tell you that rewarding students for knowledge or good behavior is a bad idea, I've discovered that the chance for a jolly rancher or a tootsie roll gets most students excited and their brains activated.

The candy jar comes out typically once a week, or at least it used to.

One of my greatest pet peeves of teaching is having to repeat myself. My favorite (being sarcastic) version of this is when a student has their hand up while I'm explaining something only to ask the very question I just answered. They were apparently focusing all their brain energy on keeping their hand in the air rather than listening.

While this has always bothered me, it has not been a major problem until this year. My second block class has the most repeat offenders and up until recently have been stuck as to how to solve this problem. but oh how that has changed.

One day, after answering the same question three times in a row, it struck me. I glanced over at the candy jar on my file cabinet and it was as if God himself said "Jessica, candy for me." And thus became my new favorite statement and response to repeat questioners: "candy for me."

Now when a student asks a question I've already answered, I walk over to the candy jar, select the most desired kind of candy out of it and put that candy in a jar on my desk. That candy is no longer available for students to get but instead for my own eating pleasure. This is like pure torture for my students. The best part is when one students ask a question that's already been answered and several friends will whisper "candy for her."

It might be semi-mean but my goodness it has been successful. I've probably cut the repeat questions in half and I've also got a personal candy jar full of great goodies "for me."

he's THAT kid

We're one quarter into my second year of teaching and I've discovered a new pet peeve. In general, students who cannot figure out answers to test chalk it up to their own lack of studying. I say in general because this does not apply to Bert (who's name has been changed to protect his at times annoying identity). Bert is very smart and I've come to discover, a little bit too sure of himself. Every time (and I do mean EVERY TIME) we have a test, Bert encounters something that doesn't look familiar on a test and proceeds to accuse me of testing something that has not been covered in the material.

Last week it was "well I don't remember reading the term "man-made" anywhere in our text." I said "wow that's pretty amazing that you can remember that since your test is over more than 100 pages of reading." he was wrong and did in fact discover the term "man-made"

Today it was "Mrs. Haslam, NONE of our vocabulary cards have the word "rebirth" on them. I know that for sure." I replied "just because it says use a vocab word doesn't mean I necessarily gave you the definition of that word, you might need to know the context." He mutters as I walk away "well I know the book didn't use the word rebirth anywhere." shocker: he found it after he turned his test in.

It is seriously all I can do not to freak out when Bert feels the need to make his lack of studying my fault. You'd think after being proved wrong every single time, he'd come to learn that I'm not the one making the mistakes. you'd think.

Stop!

I say "stop" a lot during my day. In the last 10 minutes, I've used this very important word in the following ways:

-stop talking
-stop clicking your pens
-stop drumming your pens
-stop slamming your books on your desks
-stop drawing on your arm
-stop whispering to your neighbor

AND my personal favorite
-stop coloring your hair

Perspective

I had what might be the most annoying parent conversation of my teaching career so far today.

Met with a student and his mom to discuss why he is going to fail my class if he doesn't start turning in homework. The mom acted as if this kind of thing had not been said to her before about her son...which I know is not true based on looking at his file. He's a great kid...he just doesn't turn anything in and that doesn't fly in my class.

Kid left so it's just me and mom. She proceeds to say that she wanted to "give me some perspective" on her son's schedule. She then tells me how much he loves sports...and how the amount of homework he has every night is conflicting with his sports. She said "i just want you to keep that in mind when you are planning...just some perspective."

In my fantasy I said "Are you freaking kidding me? I'll show you some perspective, the perspective of my hand hitting your stupid face."

In real life I said, "thanks, i'll keep that in mind"

I made the right choice not to give her a piece of my mind about how my job is to actually educate her son...not worry about how perfect his jump shot is.

What a joke.

When You're Fifty...

It's Wednesday, chapel day.

The guest is a musician and half way through chapel, he passes out four sets of instruments to students in the crowd. He tells each student to keep one instrument and give one to a teacher. Once they've done that, they're supposed to bring their teacher on stage.

Caroline decides to give her instrument to me so we walk up on stage. The singer directs us to his left and his right saying "I want two teachers and two students on each side." He looks to the left, confirms it's as he asked. He looks to the right (where Caroline and I are standing) and he put his foot in his mouth with the following statement "ok and I see three students and one teacher."

It takes me about two seconds to realize he's talking about me and has decided I'm also a student. So I laugh, tell him I'm actually the teacher and he is clearly mortified. Everyone's laughing except for a few of the girls in my "fan club" who are so offended on my behalf that they are actually screaming at him. I believe their cries of injustice went something like "NO THAT IS NOT A STUDENT, THAT IS MRS HASLAM"

It was great. He was major embarrassed, I was amused. So I look 12. Everyone says I'll appreciate it when I'm 50.